If anyone has ever worried about arriving too late for a surprise party and potentially ruining said surprise, let me tell you that I did exactly that on Saturday night…and lived to tell the disastrous tale.

The surprise party was scheduled for 8pm at a hotel in Boston. My cousin and her husband would be eating dinner at the hotel and we were to all wait in the bar area on the second floor. I arrived at exactly 8pm…on the dot…because I am nothing if not prompt. As I spun my way through the revolving door, I saw my cousin heading out of the restaurant and into the bathroom. (Problem with surprise parties in hotels…typically the bathroom is in the lobby…a lobby that needs to be crossed at all bathroom intervals…a lobby that could be entered at any point by a surprise party-goer.) So she saw me. We locked eyes but she looked down and continued on her way. My first optimistic thought was, “She didn’t see me! I made it under the radar!” Then common sense kicked in and I began to realize that she MUST have seen me. There was no way she couldn’t have seen me. There was no one else in the lobby but me and my cousin. She definitely saw me. So then I thought, “Well, she must know about the surprise party and will therefore continue with the facade. She’ll act surprised when she arrives at the party and our momentary eye-lock will be our own dirty family secret. (Everyone has those, right?) So I proceeded to the party. Told my other cousin that I had almost been spotted but we were in the clear!

Then my cousin arrived at her party.

We yelled surprise.

She looked into the gathered group of friends and family, smiled weakly and said, “I saw Jocelyn. I figured out what was up.”

At this point everyone turned to stare at me, the ruiner of the party. (Not a real word, but it fits the description of my role at the party.) Why my cousin couldn’t have just pretended to be surprised, I may never know. But that’s what family is for, right, to confuse and baffle us all.

I sucked up all the moxie I could and continued to smile and socialize, knowing full well that everyone viewed me as enemy #1. I ate, drank and was as merry as possible. And that was how I spent my Saturday night…how was yours?

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day! If you are a mother, I hope you were lavished with love and attention. I also hope everyone bestowed love on their mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters and friends. I think Mother’s Day is about recognizing the women in your life who have helped you grow, provided you with comfort and given you strength. When women work together instead of against each other, when they encourage and support, amazing things can happen. We are so often caught up in a vicious cycle of envy, jealousy, anger and frustration and we take it out on those closest to us. We compare ourselves and measure each other’s lives, our successes and our failures. We need to learn to adjust our way of viewing the world and the people in our lives. We need to open up our hearts and give and receive more love than we know what to do with. We need to stop comparing and competing and just enjoy the ride.

Tonight I was lucky enough to visit with my mother and two of her closest friends. They live on opposite sides of the country, so getting together is no longer as simple as a car ride. It requires planes and luggage and timing. But tonight the stars aligned and these three phenomenal women were able to sit down together on Mother’s Day and talk and laugh and visit. They were able to look back on their crazy single days, talk about their children and what it feels like to love and lose and love again. It was such a great night and it reminded me how important it is to have strong women in your life. How important friendship is and how often we take it for granted. Mother’s Day is a reminder to me of the women in our lives who help shape us, who help us become who we were always meant to be, who love us unconditionally.

Happy Mother’s Day!

When a man fails, he blames someone else. When a woman fails, she blames herself. Women have this appalling tendency to internalize everything.

He didn’t call. (I must have done something wrong.)

The job went to someone else. (I am good for nothing.)

It’s been a bad day. (I am the unluckiest person in the world. )

The waitress is rude. (She hates me.)

Women have this rapacious need to not only have an answer for every one of life’s disappointments, but to also blame themselves. Why do we insist on being the axis on which the earth spins? Is it possible that not every failure is directly caused by our own existence?

Men have a completely different approach to the obstacles in life.

She didn’t call. (Who cares?)

The job went to someone else. (Who cares?)

It’s been a bad day. (Who cares?)

The waitress is rude. (Who cares?)

Okay, so I may be oversimplifying the male reaction, but I suspect I’m pretty close. Essentially men have the effortless ability to take many of life’s burdens and neutralize them immediately. These “failures” or obstacles are not a specific punishment for one person, they are just examples of the ups and downs of life. A common occurrence and one not to get worked up over.

These events are not defining moments alerting us to our personal failures in life. As women, we take things far too personally. The statement I hear quite frequently is, “It’s not personal, it’s business.” But to me business is personal. The people I interact with daily are a part of my life. How can I not take things personally? I blame it on my overachieving tendencies in life that started at an extremely young age. I always wanted to finish my homework early. My book reports were completed a week before deadline. My handwriting was impeccable.  I was always on time. I never misbehaved. I was, essentially, a teachers’ pet from 1st grade through college and prided myself on my blue ribbon life. But that doesn’t last forever.

In adulthood, things change. People are not going to like you because you do everything “right.” Staying within the lines doesn’t guarantee friendships or love. Business associates don’t care if you tried your hardest. There is no “A” for effort.  And so we beat ourselves up internally. We fail on a daily basis. And yes, we may take this all too personally. But it is our life. The only one we have been given. If we want to keep striving for that blue ribbon, no one is going to stop us. But there is a catch! There is only one person who is capable of awarding us that ribbon, that symbol of success and achievement, and it isn’t our boss, our husband, our children or our parents.

The recognition has to come from within.

We have to stop blaming life’s mistakes and failures on ourselves. No more heaping it onto our overburdened shoulders. When we get knocked down, which we will, we have to pick ourselves up and move on. And when that happens, we will hold tight to the blue ribbon that is nestled safely in the palm of our hands.

Do you take things too personally?

Do you think men have a healthier approach to failure?

Do we become more accepting of ourselves with age or achievement?

What a cheery and happy title for a Monday morning, huh? But stay with me here because it really is all about hope and optimism with me. Over the weekend I was reading the latest issue of O, The Oprah Magazine and particularly delighted in Martha Beck’s column. Beck details the ten life lessons you should “unlearn.” I found myself highlighting practically every other word. This, of course, helped me decide that this may be inspiring to you all, as well.

Having experienced a double whammy of loss recently and being painfully aware that loss is inevitable in life, it is helpful and optimistic to see the silver lining. Loss teaches us some very valuable lessons and helps open our hearts to love and appreciation. It teaches us how to heal and how to live.

Beck writes:

Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I’d smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren’t cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That’s the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you’ve abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Whether the loss you are experiencing is the death of a loved one, the end of  a relationship, or the distance of friends, it is important to understand and appreciate the cycle of breaking and healing. Loss does not define us, it does not make us unlucky or cursed, it is simply a part of life. Yes, it is probably the most difficult part of life, but it is one that helps us learn and grow and strengthens us. From loss we learn that we are stronger than we ever believed possible.

Tags: Martha Beck, Oprah, Oprah Magazine

Kris Radish wrote a compelling piece on chance in The Huffington Post this week. The odd chance we have in meeting someone important or significant in our life while stranded at an airport is the stuff of great chick flicks. It’s why we read novels and watch television. We love the idea that life is bigger than us, that our tiny footprint is nothing in the great cosmic scheme of life. It’s why we subscribe to the notion that there is one great love. One great career. One great purpose. And all of our life is merely a path leading us right to this very moment. Trapped in an airport. Broken down on the side of a road. It is calming and reassuring to believe that there is a master plan. That everything does, in fact, happen for a reason. The great love of our life that we meet in the hospital while tending to a sick relative. The best friend who enters our life in a particularly horrible drivers ed course. It is this balance that keeps us moving forward. It is this opportunity for chance that only happens if you keep moving forward.

Happiness is all about faith and perspective. You must have the faith to hold on, knowing you could be one minute away from the miracle. And you have to have the perspective to understand that in the scheme of things, everything does happen for a reason.

I am a curious soul. I am always trying to better understand the world around me as well as my reaction to it. I find that this search for understanding helps me deal with the heavy blows and appreciate the sweetness when it rushes into my life. As I have quoted before about the “unexamined life,” I think it is never more evident than when we read about miracles that occur on a random, inconsequential afternoon. It is the belief that anything is possible that fuels us. That any day can turn on a dime. We must keep a certain degree of faith in our heart that love is everywhere, and fate will lead us straight into its’ path.

I was asked to present an award at my alma mater this weekend. Unfortunately, I have a business-related event the same night. I contemplated double booking and seeing if I could make it across the city in record time, but had visions of Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses and thought better of it. For those who haven’t seen the movie, rent it!

I was explaining my dilemma to my sister while my niece played quietly in the corner. (Side note: she was practicing for Minute to Win It by trying to carry M&M’s across the room using only a straw. If you haven’t ever seen the show, I’ve probably lost you. And she wasn’t actually that quiet…but I’m trying to paint a picture here.)

ME: So they want me to present on Saturday night.

Sister: But you can’t. You’re already going to the conference.

ME: I know. Boo! (yes, I really use the word “boo” in common, every day conversations).

Sister: So just tell them you can’t present on Saturday night because you’re busy.

Niece: Jocey! (This is what she calls me.) You HAVE to do it! ((slamming her tiny fists down on the carpeting)).

ME: But I can’t. I already have plans.

Niece: But Jocey…((little fists keep slamming)) It’s Saturday Night…you have to do it.

ME: (confused as to why my niece is so concerned with my plans on a Saturday night) But I can’t…I have plans and don’t want to be rude.

Niece: (eyebrows furrowing in a very intense stare) You would rather do your plans then host Saturday Night Live! Come on!

God bless this child who thinks her aunt is cool enough to host Saturday Night Live. Is it possible for me to remain a rock star in her eyes for the rest of my life?  In order to do this, I may have to actually host SNL some day.

End Note:

“Come on!” has become one of my nieces latest catchphrases. That and “In my mind I said…” which is her way of saying, “I thought to myself…”

There was a fascinating study reported on in Tara Parker Pope’s NYTimes Well column about the helping power of dreaming. Apparently, people who take their problems to bed can end up dreaming their way to a solution. As someone who has the bad tendency to stress about all of my problems, issues, obstacles right before bed, this is something I had typically tried to avoid. I try to put all questions out of my mind, clear it of the clutter, and sleep peacefully. Now I am wondering if I should allow these questions to ruminate. Let them stir and swirl inside my head as I prepare for sleep. Maybe these questions will be answered in my sleep. Maybe the answers will come to me in my dreams. Maybe I will be able to see the obstacles from a different perspective and begin to understand the choices that make the most sense for me and my life. Could our dreams really help us untangle the knots in our lives? It’s worth giving it a chance.

Have you ever found an answer in your dreams?

Do you think about all of your problems before going to sleep?

Have you ever followed the guidance of a dream?

Tags: Tara Parker-Pope

Meredith from one of my new favorite blogs, Penelope Loves Lists, makes an interesting observation on her site. She writes:

My marriage to J is my second, and I know now that happy marriage isn’t luck, or sex, or even just promises of forever. It’s daily maintenance. Not “work”, because I don’t think marriage should feel like work, but maintenance. It’s paying attention and clearing a path for your partner through every day life.

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that the reality is far more complicated than the fairy tale. We have these set “ideas” about how a relationship is supposed to look. What our partner is supposed to do and say and how they should act to keep us happy and content. We want to stay confident in our decision that this person is the right person for us. But we are all human. We make mistakes. We choose the wrong people, we overlook the right people. We can be overly critical or not critical enough. We need to understand and accept (that’s the hardest part) that no one is perfect, including ourselves. No one really wants to compromise. Most people want things to go exactly how they see fit. And a relationship is work. It’s a get-your-hands-messy kind of work. It’s tears and red-faced anger that sends you running to your friends and family kind of work.  But it’s also happiness. It’s laughter. It’s safety. This up and down happens to everyone and in every relationship. No one is immune. But the times when you aren’t working, when you are just sitting in the stillness together, when you can put the troubles, the “issues,” the questions out of your mind, if you are a happy in these moments, then the relationship is working, so you don’t have to.

Tags: penelope loves lists, stephanie klein

No, I am not going to go into details about the power of “The Secret.” What I am going to talk about is something that has been haunting my thoughts for a few days. First, I read about The Work of Byron Katie. Katie’s overall process and theory is that you can identify and question the thoughts that cause all of your suffering. Then ask yourself, “Is it true?” Most of the time, we are just haunted and harassed by our own thoughts. The things we fear. The actions we dread. The relationships we fail. The people we question. Everything we see and feel is determined by our thoughts.

I started to get overwhelmed with this thinking and put it out of my mind. But the mind has a way of not letting you put anything “out.” This theory kept coming back to me. Am I a slave to my own thoughts? Are my thoughts my own worst enemy?

Then I visited my favorite blogger, Aidan Donnelley Rowley, and she posted about this very topic today! She was recapping her event with Marie Forleo who said that “You have a mind, but you are not your mind.” Aidan detailed Marie’s talk and quoted a particularly poignant statement by Marie:

You have a mind, but you are not your mind. You are also not the conversation you have with yourself in your mind. You may be thinking, “What conversation? What is she talking about?” That one!

…Your mind … is a past/future fear-based machine that is primarily concerned with survival. It’s always comparing, analyzing, scheming, and talking to you about what you need to do in order to become better, prettier, more successful, or more attractive. The mind is usually not supportive of your irresistibility. It likes to talk about your mistakes and how bad, unattractive, stupid, or unworthy you are. (By the way, none of those things your mind talks to you about are actually true, but unless you become aware that you are not your mind, you believe them to be true.)

Take a look at all of the things that cause you anxiety or stress on a daily basis. Are they actual events, or are they the way you perceive those events?Are people causing you stress or is it the baggage from previous issues with those people that is causing you stress?

Does your mind play tricks on you?

Does most of your stress and anxiety come from your own thoughts?

What would happen if you eliminated these stressful thoughts? And is it possible to eliminate these stressful thoughts?

Tags: Aidan Donnelley Rowley, Byron Katie, Marie Forleo

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”
– Lao-Tzu

It sounds so simple. Be yourself. Yet this might be one of the most difficult tasks we ever attempt. I remember a quote from my childhood that went along the lines of, “the cause of almost all of our unhappiness is the result of comparing ourselves to others.” Who hasn’t compared themselves to a friend, a relative, or a co-worker? With the advent of Facebook, comparisons are almost completely unavoidable.  Comparisons typically don’t lead to boosts in self-esteem. You can always find ways in which your peers are succeeding in the elements of life where you perceive yourself to be failing.  We have a tendency to focus on our flaws instead of embracing what makes us different or unique. We are all authentic beings and we need to revel in this fact.

The other day my niece was telling me a story about how she and a classmate have decided they are twins because they look so much alike. I told her how lucky she was. How I always wished there was someone who looked like me growing up. But no such luck. My hair was dark and wildly curly and I was swimming in a sea of blondes.

“You’re lucky, P.” I said. “No one looked like me when I was your age. No one had my curly hair.”

She paused and looked out the window. I expected her to update me on Dora the Explorer or Fetch with Ruff Ruffman. Put in a request for a peanut butter and jelly.

“But your curly hair makes you unique. And being unique is pretty great.”

Now if only we could all learn to be as confident and accepting as a 7-year old. We are all unique and that makes us all “pretty great.”