The Anxiety of Truth

I write a lot about happy things. About pretty things. Things that you can buy or wear, read and enjoy. I write about going for a run or decorating your house. I write about beauty products that can improve your complexion and make you feel more beautiful. Pretty. Feminine. Loved. I write about all of the things we dream about, desire and want. But what I don’t write about, what I’m afraid to write about, is the truth. I don’t write about my emotions. I don’t write about the heavy weight of sadness, frustration or fear that can sneak up on you and settle in the cracks of your foundation. I don’t write about how imperfect life can be at times. We all strive to put the best version of ourselves online. We edit and tweak, correct and alter. We put this alternate life on our Facebook pages, our Instagram albums, our Twitter feeds. We continue to churn out the glossiest version of our lives. The one that looks the best. The one that will make our enemies jealous and our loved ones proud. But where is the truth? Why are we all so afraid to share the truest version of ourselves? Is it because we worry that opening ourselves up that wide will leave us vulnerable? Easy prey? Will we look pathetic or weak or sad? The truth of the matter is that I have really bad days. I have days that knock me to my knees. Days that make me want to pull the covers over my head and ignore the world outside my window. But I never do pull the covers over my head. I am a determined survivor. I am also a perfectionist. And I’m emotional. Mix all of those factors and you have the perfect combination for anxiety. I’m constantly worried that I’m making the wrong decisions, ruining my life, failing. I worry that I will be plagued with bad luck. I worry that I could be better, smarter, stronger. And then I worry about worrying. Talk about anxiety!

But maybe things could be different. Maybe if I allowed myself to live in the truth, to get my hands dirty with honesty and reality, I could feel a weight lifted from my shoulders? Maybe if I stopped trying to be so perfect and just worked at being the truest, most honest version of myself, the anxiety will abate? Because to be truthful, writing this down, expressing these honest emotions and worries, feels really good. (Thanks, Aidan!) It feels like a sigh of relief. Maybe honesty and truth will make me feel better than polishing and editing reality? Maybe using this website as a way to clear my head of false reality, will inspire me to live my life with more authenticity and intention? Because for the first time, I want to write these words, these truths, for no one else but myself.

As a wise man once said, “Things do not change, we change.” So in the spirit of Thoreau, I’m changing. And so is this site. And so, essentially, is my life.

I can’t think of a better way to end 2012 and ring in 2013 than with the motivation and inspiration to live my real life…and document it.

PS- I will still be posting beautiful, happy, entertaining things here. But I just want to bring a little more honesty to the mix, even if it’s a little ugly at times.

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