About two years ago I started keeping a different kind of journal. Now let me state, right off the bat, that I have been keeping a diary, religiously, since I was nine years old. I’ve recorded virtually every major moment of my life and every minuscule detail. (How many times did I really need to tell myself to “be more positive” or “act confident”?) It was almost like I was writing my own personal self-help book in the form of a diary. Then one day I found an old birthday card that a relative had sent me. Not knowing exactly what to do with it, I decided to tape it inside a simple spiral notebook, nothing fancy. Then my niece gave me a cute drawing. It went in the book. An invitation to a wedding. A ticket stub from a funny movie. A receipt from a fun day shopping with my mom. Tiny little pieces of my life, evidence of a life well-lived and brimming with details. Everything important, significant or poignant made its way into this notebook. Now, when I pick up this purple notebook, I can’t stop flipping through it. It IMMEDIATELY brings me back to every single moment. This journal is one of my most favorite possessions, it is the first thing I would grab if there was a fire and it something I am proud to share with people. Yes, I still have the *private* diary where I can record my insecurities and hopes, fears and anger, but this treasure-filled journal is the one I love! It is a guaranteed mood booster and something I will certainly show my future children.

How many people keep diaries or scrapbooks of their lives? (And by scrapbook, I don’t mean the structured, linear, measured out kinds of scrapbooks…I mean the ones that actually hold scraps of a life well-lived.)

In truth, I have tried before to write things that I thought people wanted to read. I’ve posted images that I thought would pull people in, entertain them, amuse them, inspire them. I’ve linked and tagged and shouted from the rooftops, “COME READ MY BLOG.” And then I realized, I was writing for other people. Why in the world would I, an independent and creative thinker be doing that? Is it the same reason we are polite and friendly to people we don’t even like? Is it because we feel if we let the truth out there, we will be shunned and alone? We want to build bridges not burn them down. So we all wander around, never really being real with anyone. But maybe, if we’re lucky, there are a few people out there who we can be really real with and not worry that they will walk away, or run. I have a handful, and by handful I literally mean hand-full, of people that I can count on and depend on and open up to without any fears.

Last week, I lost one of those people. She died without warning, without illness or accident. I still don’t even know what happened but the word brain aneurysm has been whispered about and that seems to be the cause until further tests are run and answers are given. She had been my best friend “officially” since the sixth grade, even though we had known each other for years before that, tiptoed around each other and sat in the same circles of duck-duck-goose and operator. But it was in the sixth grade when broken necklaces were shared along with secrets and laughter. She was the one I would call if the boy I liked looked at me in the hallway and she would be thrilled for me…for a look! I don’t have a memory that doesn’t include her and that I didn’t share with her. What happens to all of those memories? The memories that made us laugh hysterically are now drowned in sadness and sorrow of a life cut short.

I am still in a state of shock that seems nowhere near wearing off and I don’t think I want it to. I don’t want to accept something that is so blatantly wrong and horrible. And yes, this post seems like it came out of nowhere…too personal and not cohesive. But isn’t that what life is all about? I think we need to be more personal, less perfect and more honest with ourselves and everyone around us. Maybe someone will read this and feel less alone because they are going through something similar. This life we are all living is one big shared adventure filled with obstacles and triumphs. So, in truth, I am hopeful that good things will happen, that darkness will pass and that we will all meet up again someday.

I’m having trouble posting images…and I don’t have the time or patience to deal with that issue right now. So imagine that you are seeing a stoic image of Senator Ted Kennedy or one of the thousands of touching and emotional photos of his memorial service or funeral. We have lost a part of our history. Here is just a tiny piece of Obama’s touching eulogy.

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“The world will long remember their son Edward as the heir to a weighty legacy, a champion for those who had none, the soul of the Democratic Party, and the lion of the United States Senate — a man whose name graces nearly 1,000 laws, and who penned more than 300 laws himself….Mr. Kennedy had suffered more pain and loss than most people will ever know, yet he never succumbed to self-pity or abandoned his dreams and principles. The greatest expectations were placed upon Ted Kennedy’s shoulders because of who he was, but he surpassed them all because of who he became. We do not weep for him today because of the prestige attached to his name or his office. We weep because we loved this kind and tender hero who persevered through pain and tragedy — not for the sake of ambition or vanity, not for wealth or power, but only for the people and the country that he loved.”

Just had to post some new blogs that I discovered this weekend.

Design Crush : pure eye candy!

Mer Mag : brilliant illustrator, painter, designer.

Oh, Hello Friend : an inspiration blog.

Desire to Inspire : decorating inspiration.

A Field Journal : because the moment I opened her site, I gasped. Love!

A Cup of Jo : one of my all time favorites!

I’m still here! I swear! I’ve just been so busy working and any free time has been devoted to enjoying any tiny glimpse of the sun. I may have begged a little too much for some sunshine because now we are sweltering in the 3 H’s. Hazy, Hot & Humid. Oh boy is it a hot one! Today it’s about 98 degrees and the humidity makes it feel like 110!! I hear there is a hurricane off the coast and it is just waiting to crash down on us. Not sure if I’m too excited about that either.

Yesterday I spent part of the day at the beach and it seemed to be filled up with toddlers and babies. And I swear they all seemed to be at that too cute age…somewhere between one and a half and three and half…when they have a lot to say but can’t quite get the words out. One, in particular, was named Ayla and she was 3 and Oh My God, she was like a little me…! She asked my sister to put sunblock on her. Just walked right over after she watched my sister get my niece all sunblocked up and said, “Can I have some?” So trusting but so cute! She had her hair in this tiny little curly ponytail and these adorable cheeks and I just seriously wanted to take her home! Her grandmother was babysitting her and said that Ayla had actually put herself down for a nap earlier in the day…on her own. Didn’t even have to be told to do so. So yes, I think I caught a tiny bit of baby fever out in the hot sun…and it was adorable!

This is the gorgeous San Francisco home of Monelle Totah, the vice president of design for Williams-Sonoma Home.

I am actually working on remodeling a bathroom, and was supposed to be searching for bathroom inspiration, but somehow stumbled upon this dream kitchen!

The dark walnut island is a workhorse not only from the standpoint of everyday kitchen duties but also from a design perspective. Its dark color contrasts with the white cabinets and backsplashes, providing a visual anchor. The finish also acts as a transition from the cabinets to the Brazilian-walnut floor.

I might be a little obsessed with this couple. Read about them here.

I can’t wait to see this movie! It looks adorable!!

I am a Pisces. Two fish swimming in opposite directions. Constantly pulled between choices, difficulty making decisions, but creative and artistic. I don’t religiously follow my horoscope, but lately I have been finding them particularly accurate. Here’s today’s horoscope from the Boston Herald.

You need a break- time to think, reorganize your strategy and regain your confidence. Consider something you enjoy doing or that you want to develop and turn it into a workable service you can offer others.

What do I enjoy doing? Writing. I would love to turn my writing into a workable service that I can offer others because it is also a gift I give to myself. I love turning out a well-devised piece. Creating something poignant, articulate and thought-provoking. Today I am going to work on cultivating this talent and, hopefully, regaining some confidence. I certainly need a break!

Summer is the one time of the year when it seems that there is never enough time. Never enough time to accomplish everything. There isn’t enough daylight hours for all of the swimming, walking, running, beach-combing that one person needs in order to feel that they really took advantage of the New England sun. It is because our summers are so short and fleeting that we feel the compulsion to fill up our days until they are overflowing. Summer ends as quickly as it begins. If you blink, you just might miss it and boy would you be missing something extraordinary.

Since I was a child, I have always found myself literally wearing my body out on summer days. This weekend was no different. Dinner plans on Friday night left me frantically dashing to the gym to squeeze in a 3 mile run. I needed to sweat. I needed to get all of this energy out of my body before I ventured out to a delicious dinner. I wanted the freedom to order with abandon that only a good workout gives me. I wanted appetizers and comfort food followed by something deliciously sweet for dessert. I wanted drinks and laughter and absolutely no worries. The run before dinner gave me that childlike freedom.

Saturday morning I woke up to the brilliant sun shining through my window and the amazing comfort of an icy, air-conditioned room. I was ready to hit the ground running, literally. Instead, Mike and I opted for a nice long walk. We decided to walk to a restaurant that is delicately perched on the water’s edge and offers, among many other things, ice cream and lemonade. It was about three miles from my home and gave us enough distance to get in a great workout, get our heart rate elevated and just absorb the world around us. So often we are locked behind screens; computer screens, television screens, Blackberry’s, cell phones, etc. It’s nice to be completely absorbed by nature and the beauty it so readily offers. We sat by the water on a wooden bench, watched a tiny dog chase the tide and drank our lemonades and raspberry lime rickey’s. It was wonderful to fully enjoy the picture-perfect summer day. The cold drinks gave us the energy we needed to get home.

During our walk home, we made big plans for a cookout. Burgers and hot dogs and grilled flatbread pizzas. Salads and drinks and dips. We were ready for an epic cookout. I often think that when planning a gathering I start to focus too much on making it “perfect” instead of just enjoying it for it is, a night of good food, good people, and laughter. Honestly, can you ask for more than that? I sometimes feel that our expectations set us up for disappointment. Living in the moment is a much more rewarding experience. Our cookout turned out perfectly. Yes, the dishes weren’t as elaborate as we had planned. The were no Martha Stewart-esque decorations and the majority of the time was spent inside because the mosquitoes were ferocious. But it was wonderful. I watched my six-year old niece teach all of us how to play Mario Kart on her Nintendo Wii. We told funny stories about our silly family and the unusual predicaments we find ourselves in and we relaxed. It was an excellent weekend and it embodied everything a summer weekend should; sun, good food, exercise, laughter and lemonade.

I can’t tell you how much I enjoy summer! The warm air, the beach, swimming, the bright sun and the overall lift in spirits. It is amazing!

This week I went into the city for a delicious dinner at Legal Seafood! Even though I have lived by the sea for my entire life, I am not a huge fan of seafood. Don’t really know why that is, but I can’t seem to get into it with the same gusto that so many people have for a lobster dinner. I am, however, beginning to really like Salmon. So I ordered a delicious almond encrusted salmon in a butter, lemon and caper sauce. Delicious!

Then we walked around the city, acting like tourists, which is always a fun thing to do. It allows you to see your city with new, more appreciative eyes.

Tonight we are heading out to a new restaurant in Salem for dinner. I will let you know how it goes and what the night holds for us.

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July weekend! I spent the past two days blissfully at the beach, soaking in some desperately needed SUN! FINALLY! Then I went to our town’s festival of arts.

Here are some photos from the weekend. And in case you’re wondering who the tired little Tinker Bell is at the end of this post, it’s my adorable niece.

I feel that we are all surrounded by a million tiny choices every minute of the day. Should I do this? Should I go there? Should I stay? Should I leave? What should I say? Eat? Do? Our lives are dominated by choices and it gets even more confusing when we start questioning the choices we make. Am I doing this because I want to make this person happy? Did I go here just to feel I was doing the right thing? Am I doing too much just to please others and live up to their expectations of me? I think we often tune out our own internal voice and instead let ourselves be guided by others.

Many decisions are made out of guilt. I should do this because it will make him happy. I should go with her to cheer her up. On one hand, it is a nice gesture because it exemplifies how selfless we can be. But we need to learn that sometimes being selfish is not a bad thing, sometimes it is an entirely necessary thing. If you are constantly doing things to make others happy and are rarely giving yourself the same kindness and consideration than you are being the worst possible friend to the most important person in your life…YOU!

Now I talk a good game but I am the last person I ever think about. I am always, always, always more concerned with making others happy. Trust me, people love this about me, but I’m not so sure I love it about myself. Because what often happens is that I end up resenting other people for taking my own precious time and using it all up on something I wasn’t even interested in doing in the first place. Then I end up not wanting to do anything with them the next time they put in a request. It creates a negative energy in my mind towards that person and their “demands.” Sometimes saying “No” to other people is really you just saying “Yes” to yourself.

I guess the moral of the story is, do what makes you happy and everything else should fall into place. (I say “should” because I have yet to actually try this method of living, but I will be certain to keep you posted.)

Sorry for the GIANT logo…I’m going to see if I can make it smaller, but nonetheless, it accurately describes my BIG activity for this rainy Thursday morning. I have to emphasize the fact that it was yet another rainy morning because we have seriously had about 25 days of rain. Wait? That’s almost the whole month of June! I’ve heard rumors that the sun will be peaking it’s tardy head out of the clouds later today, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I remember when I was a child, summer seemed to start weeks before school let out and I would just be chomping at the bit to get out of those stuffy classrooms and into an ice cold pool of liquid blue. But alas, it seems our summers are shrinking and winter has dug in his angry heels and refuses to leave.

Now back to my morning activity. Yes, I went straight from the warm confines of my bed to the cold, hard seat of a Spinning Bike. I have never taken a spinning class and thought it might be an interesting activity to try. Heck, maybe it would become an obsession!

Well, I don’t think it will be becoming an obsession any time soon. I’m not sure I was in love with it. What bothered me most about the class was the fact that it was a class! I like working out on my own. I like to listen to my own music, think my own thoughts and feel secluded…even in a crowded gym. I like the solitary aspect of working out more than the group dynamic. I don’t like having a teacher shout instructions at me. It feels too competitive and negative. I like my work outs to be entirely my own. I can stop when I want, look around, watch the tiny television on the treadmill or just tune out to my own selection of music.

What I did like about this workout was that it took place in the morning. This spinning class made me realize that I love working out in the beginning of the day. It is the best kick start to your day and also takes away that niggling thought in the back of your mind that nags you to get your work done so that you can have time to go to the gym. With a morning workout, it’s done before you even have time to stress about “fitting it in.”

Even as I have been typing this post, the sun is starting to sneak out, ray by tiny ray. I am crossing my fingers and praying for a warm, sunny, childlike weekend!

This should come as no surprise but the New York Times is reporting that Jon & Kate have decided to separate. The news came from tonight’s episode on TLC. I don’t watch this show, but I feel like I do because I am constantly bombarded with information on their relationship through the gossip magazines. A week doesn’t go by without a Jon & Kate headline, all I can say is that they must have an incredible publicist.

In more serious news, while I was at the gym, news broke that two trains collided in D.C. during rush hour. As of right now, there have been seven deaths and over twenty serious injuries. According to the mayor, it is the worst Metro accident in D.C.’s history.

{photo courtesy of The New York Times}

The number of families whose lives were destroyed today should act as an awakening for everyone. You never know when the life you know could be changed forever, whether through death, divorce, injury or violence. Never take anyone or anything for granted and appreciate all that you have. Count your blessings on a daily basis, even if you feel like your life is falling apart around you.

Side note: I did not intentionally write about Jon & Kate and a train wreck in the same post. That is merely an ironic coincidence.