Time

There are moments when I feel that my time is not my own. People pulling at me from all directions. Wanting something from me. Wanting my words, my advice, my thoughts, even just my presence. More often than not I want desperately to give my time to these people, these loved ones or colleagues. I am more than happy to be fully present for them. I am honored that they want my time. But sometimes there are days when I feel burned out, when I feel that the treadmill I am running on is set too high and I need to take a break. I need to jump off, regroup, rest and catch my breath before I end up stretching myself too thin and ultimately snapping.

When I snap I don’t do it externally. I don’t yell or cry or become a difficult, tempestuous person. No, I internalize. I over analyze and stress and worry. I fear I am letting people down because I am not able to be fully present. I question my choices and calculate my options. I push myself to the breaking point and then wonder why everything starts falling apart at the seams.  I break plans, I break promises, I break down.

I can’t be everywhere for everyone. I can’t do everything, be everything, solve everything. Sometimes saying “no” to someone else is saying “yes” to myself. As hard as it is for me to say no, worrying that I am letting someone down, it is imperative that I stay focused and centered, that I allow myself time to rest, time to regroup, time to breath.  Because it is in these moments of silence, of solitude, of rest that we are able to rebuild and strengthen. Like a muscle that has been pulled too hard and throbs with tension and pain, the only way to heal that muscle is to rest. So I am resting.  I am regrouping. I am finding my center and ultimately peace. And then I will be able to jump back in to my busy, hectic, exuberant life and give all the time in the world.